Saturday, August 18, 2007

Magical Vicodin

Everyone is familiar with the story of how Jesus fed a crowd of over 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish. But few people are aware that many doctors routinely perform an act that is just as miraculous, if not as spectacular or well known. This is the ability to write scripts for 30 Vicodin, taken every 4 to 6 hours, which then miraculously last for one month or more.

Now, Jesus could do a few things many doctors can't do, like walk on water and cure sick people, but I've never heard of anybody who could make 30 Vicodin last an entire month while taking the pills every 4 to 6 hours as prescribed. But this miracle can and does occur with Magical Vicodin, a variety of Vicodin known only to select doctors and pharmacists. Normally, if you get 30 Vicodin, or 30 anything, and take one every 4 to 6 hours as prescribed, you will run out of pills in 5 to 7.5 days. But with the magical variety, which can only be obtained through a special blessing conferred by the right doctors, this script can last for a month or more. This is truly a miracle!

Since 30 Vicodin seems to be the standard dosage given to anybody with any kind of pain complaint by the majority of doctors, I can only assume that there are many doctors who are capable of performing this miracle. There are times, however, when doctors prescribe the generic, non-magical variety of Vicodin, or pharmacists accidently use the wrong type, and this causes a lot of pain, stress and confusion when patients unwittingly bring their scripts in for early refills when they inevitably run out in under a month. Patients find themselves getting labeled as "drug seekers," or are treated with suspicion by angry doctors and pharmacists, when in fact it was their failure to use the Magical Vicodin that caused the problem in the first place.

Now, I can see calling someone a drug addict if you gave them the magical Vicodin and they came back in 8 days looking for more, but this sort of thing should be expected with the generic form, which is probably from Canada or Sweden or some place like that. The Angry Pharmacist has an illustrious example of how pharmacists react to patients trying to get early refills of their 30 Vicodin scripts.

It is unfortunate that there are still doctors out there who can't perform this miracle, and insist on prescribing large doses of narcotics to patients in pain when a mere 30 Magical Vicodin will do, but the DEA will soon sort them out. In the meantime, the wise patient should seek out those doctors who are capable of performing the Miracle of the Magical Vicodin. These doctors can be identified by their commanding presence, self-satisfaction and moral certainty, otherwise know as the "God complex." But just because you found a doctor with the requisite supernatural ability doesn't mean you will get your pain treated, as many doctors with the God complex refuse to prescribe any variety of pain medicine, magical or otherwise. If this happens to you it can only be because you are unworthy, and you should therefore hang your head in shame and pay your bill promptly.


codeee said...

First, Thanks so much for the great blog Sean! We've needed something like this for a long time, and you've done a great job!

After all of these years of being given magical vicodin scripts it hadn't ocurred to me that is exactly what they are! Heaven help you if you ask the pharmacist to call and see about a refill if they're not propagating. You might as well put a red flag on as an armband.

Right now, I'd settle for any kind of doctor, God complex or not, as long as he'd use his prescription pad for pain meds of any kind.

Ten years of being a good pain patient simply isn't good enough when all of the good docs have sensibly moved elsewhere.

Payne Hertz said...

Thanks, Codeee. Many people don't realize they are just one slip and fall away from joining us in our little corner of Hell. But even many of Hell's longterm residents are unaware they are just one bad argument between a doctor and his wife away from finding their place in Hell has just gotten a whole lot worse due to loss of their pain meds. That no one should have this kind of power over us is the primary reason I started this blog.

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